Divorce in Many Aspects

How children are affected by divorce is a question of huge importance to your children and, of course, to you. Sadly, experts sometimes are confused about how divorce affects children, and they can offer parents conflicting advice. For concerned parents, perhaps the most important thing to know is that you can do much to promote your children’s resilience. In fact, how you parent and work with your children’s other parent basically is going to determine whether your children are resilient. So how are children affected by divorce? The answer is not simple, which is one reason for much confusion.

First of all, divorce is almost always stressful for children. Most children do not want their parents to separate. Divorce also can strain parent-child relationships, lead to lost contact with one parent, create economic hardships, and increase conflict between parents. For all these reasons, most children have a hard time during the divorce transition. How long the transition lasts depends upon on how calm or how chaotic you and your ex make it.

Second, divorce clearly increases the risk that children will suffer from psychological and behavioral problems. Troubled children are particularly likely to develop problems with anger, disobedience, and rule violations. School achievement also can suffer. Other children become sad for prolonged periods of time. They may become depressed, anxious, or become perhaps overly responsible kids who end up caring for their parents instead of getting cared for by them.

There could also be positive effects of divorce on children. The great majority of children whose parents divorce do not develop these kinds of serious behavioral or emotional problems. Most children from divorced families are resilient, especially when their parents do a reasonably good job managing the stress of divorce. These children feel and function pretty much like kids whose parents are married. They are not “children of divorce.” They are what we want all children to be: just kids.

Most studies stressed the negative effects of divorce on youngsters but there are some positive outcomes of divorce to be reported as well. A few positive outcomes are an increase in maturity and independence, as well as the increased commitment to maintaining relationships. Studies have shown that post-divorce families and single parent or reconstructed families can be successful in improving the quality of life for both adults and children by reducing an environment of conflict.

After being removed from a disturbing parent the children prefer the time after the divorce to the time within the intact family before the divorce, because they said that it is a relief to have no more fighting. The space provided by the separation of the parents enables the older adolescents to develop an emotional detachment from the family and to begin the normal development tasks for an adolescent which is individualization. Continuing to support the positive effects of divorce on children it said that divorce is a preferred alternative to an unhappy marriage. Children can grow healthy in many types of situations if the three following conditions are met: first, the basic needs for the children must be met, such as, love and physical care, understanding, discipline and safety; second, the children need a sense of belonging or being able to say, this is my own family where I am an important and special person; and finally, they also need role models of both sexes in their lives to help them determine their proper male or female roles.

Many resilient children still report painful memories and ongoing worries about divorce, their relationships with their parents, and their parents’ relationship with each other. You may not be able to fully protect your children from the pain of divorce, and you probably shouldn’t try. Children are entitled to their feelings. Children need to be allowed to grieve. Still you can promote your children’s resilience and do much to ease their pain.

Counseling with social workers, psychologists, marriage and family therapists, or psychiatrists can help some children. Many schools and religious organizations also provide support group sessions. In these situations children can explore their feelings and learn how other children from divorced families cope. It often takes two or more years for children to adjust to their parents’ divorce. Through love, understanding and keeping in close contact with your children, you will help them grow into welladjusted and productive adults.